Hi, I’m Treegnome! Most of myself knows me as “that guy who operates my body.” But that’s the old me. Today, I become “that guy who writes stupid things.” I’ve never thought of myself as a “good writer” or even “able to write complete sentences without sounding retarded.” And now that I’m writing this, the entire world will see why. Also, for those of you who only found this website searching for HOT XXX LESBIAN PUSSY FREE SEX STORIES PICS MOVIE POST, I’d like to point out that I’m a Christian, so there are a few words, phrases, and terms you should not expect to see in this site. I mean terms like ass, shit, goddamn, fucking motherfucker, etc. Especially not fuck, though, fuck is the worst. And I don’t want to get in trouble for saying it becau-- wait a minute… Shit.
This site is intended for people over 18 because this is the closest thing there is to an Internet Rating System (IRS?). But it’s been my experience that these government scare-tactics won’t stop a horny junior high kid with access to the Internet. Yeah, you know who you are. Now give little Oscar Mayer some rest and go do your homework, slacker.
-Happy Belated New Year! And Christmas! And Thanksgiving and Halloween!
-Ok, sorry. I know I haven't checked in in a few months and haven't posted an article for an entire year, but it's only because I know none of you care. So thanks for that. But about that...
-Here it is! The 5 Stupidest/Most Terrifying Hottest Christmas Toys of 2016! And as an added, quirky bonus, I missed every conceivable deadline for posting a Christmas article! Merry... Martin Luther King Jr. Day! I guess...
-Also, I changed the color scheme of the text links to one that doesn't make me want to barf.
-I fixed a bunch of minor things on the site that were still stupid-looking after my bright background revamp, including:
-caption text color
-broken hit counters
-the weird, dark patch towards the bottom of some pages.
-Any advice on color scheme is still welcome if any of you are good with that sort of thing.
-Sorry I haven't added content in forever. I've still been spending pretty much any free-time writing comedy for actual money at Cracked. Though I will have to post a new Stupidest/Hottest Christmas Toys article for 2016 before Black Friday, so you can look forward to that, whoever you are.
-I should have a lot more time for this site next fall when both my kids have full school days.
-Hello, all. Now that I actually have readers, one of you gave me feedback about my apparently (formerly) eye-repelling site via my Contact Page. Firstly, thanks for the positive feedback as well as the constructive criticism, you (I don't want to thank you by name without permission). After some research, I found your opinion to be in the majority: light text on dark background sucks. So I mostly fixed it to look the same as everyone else's site except for this ugly light blue text that will be annoyingly tedious to fix (I'll do it later). As a result, I now think my website is hideous and I pretty much hate it. See, apparently God put my brain in backwards so when I read dark text on light background, it feels like it's setting my eyes on fire while stabbing me in the brain. Fortunately, Google built me this app that will bend the entire web to my light-text-preferring will, so I'm good, I guess. After all, I don't see much point in having a website if I'm the only one that likes it. I published this stuff for you guys. Anyway, on a much less depressing note, I do plan on some further page-design-meddling in which I limit the whitish background to be only behind the paragraph text and nothing else to give you better readability while maintaining the original dark look I was going for. But that will mean copying and pasting my entire site one paragraph at a time and, since that will be a GIANT pain in the ass, I'll save it for another day.
-Anyway, I hope you like the new, more readable look of Supertreegnome.com! And, either way, please keep the feedback coming because, obviously, I take it very seriously.
-GOOD NEWS!!! According to my most recent Google Analytics report, SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY READING THIS!!! Like 1,000 someones, even. It's probably because...
-I AM NOW PUBLISHED ON CRACKED.COM!!! The article is Disney Movies That Ignore Their Hero's Horrific Crimes. But you know this, since it's the only way you've heard of this site. Anyway, thanks.
-Because of this, I promise I'll stop ignoring this site and get some more content posted soon. In the meantime, do you know what Twilight, The Force Awakens and Sega CD games all have in common? They're all terrible. AND hilarious reviews on this site!
-Also, My hit-counter stopped working. I'll try and fix it.
-It's finally happened... I HAVE MY OWN WEBSITE!!! (You're looking at it, right now.) Treegnome.weebly.com is now SUPERTREEGNOME.com! HOOO!... Yeah... hm. So, that's it for now... I gots more comin' soon, y'all! Like an an article I already wrote about why Disney's Frozen is awful! For now, I have an article due for Cracked.com by May 1st. YAY, MONEY!! Ironically, though, you're probably only reading this after linking here from that article. YAY, IRONY!!
-Hey and stuff. After a pretty long spell of not having any time for this (sorry about that), I return to you with some much needed updates:
-I FINALLY posted the Censored version of the Force Awakens article!
-I repositioned many of my ads to hopefully maximize profits! (Currently, this site has made a total of about 73¢. WOO!)
-Fear not, imaginary readers, I am still here. I needed to spend some time away from my site to focus more energy on being depressed that no one reads my site. But LO! It turns out that one of you is, get this, NOT imaginary! That's right, I have my first site commenter (that isn't just me sadly patting myself on the back), Treegnome329! Treegnome329, you are:
Treegnome's Biggest Fan!!!
-Treegnomes unite! Here is your prize, a picture of me on a dragon, tail-whipping TWO ELVES AT THE SAME TIME!!
-Fuck. This is me, typing this shit again, because of stupid Weebly glitches deleting this post. Ironicly, because God is hilarious, it was a post about my current Weebly glitches. I really shouldn't find it that funny, but thanks, God, that was a good one. Also, not sleeping enough may be effecting my sense of humor, as I seem to be laughing at every word I type. Lol, "type."
-Anyway, before the glitches, I wanted to mention that I added a couple things today that I had forgotten to add to my Force Awakens article:
-A Spoiler Alert at the top and...
-A shitload more content I hadn't thought of until just now, because I'm so good, I forget things I haven't even thought of yet. What it means is I added a bunch of NEW content to my NEW article! It's NEW!
-As for the Not So Phantom Weebly Glitch Menace, they are mostly gone (except for the one that just deleted the post saying they're mostly gone), but here are a few that still seek to hinder my progress:
-Deleting my goddamn post just now, aparrently.
-My scroll-bar is being a dick.
-When I delete something, something next to it may also delete. Two-for-one!
-Changing text color or adding hyperlinks are crazy as fuck.
-Well, it's about fucking time: I've written a new article: 6 Ways The Force Awakens is a Worse Star Wars Movie Than Phantom Menace!!! Technically, I've written a few articles—I should have said I "published" a new article, and have several I'm sitting on for no good reason, other than:
-I'm halfway to being published on Cracked.com, so I've been spending most of my time working on that to actually attract people other than myself to read this stuff. Not that I'm complaining; I think I'm hilarious.
-No "CENSORED" Star Wars article yet, it should be up in a few days.
-Articles that I've already written and filed under "My Lazy Ass" instead of publishing them include:
-Sega CD: Kris Kross: Make My Video,
-5 Reasons Frozen is the Most Overrated Family Movie Ever and
-X Despicable Acts Committed by Disney Heroes.
-And sorry for being away so long. I decided to spend most of the holiday season with my real family instead of the cold, dead void of the internet. Actually, the fan in my laptop is broken, so the dead void of the internet is usually pretty hot.
-Happy Birthday, Jesus! Glory to God in the highest!
-Just checking in... um, yeah... I haven't done anything here in a while, sorry. Actually, I guess that's only half true. I've told, like, all 5 people I know about my website (Hey, guys!). I have also written a shitload of content, I'm just trying to sell it to Cracked.com (you know, for money) instead of posting it here (you know, for nothing). I figure I'll use this site for all the reject articles that aren't good enough for Cracked. Nothing personal to all of you (figments of my imagination).
-I have renamed all the censored pages and manually fixed the links on every single page so they work right. It sucked a lot. Links on censored pages, including the sidebar, will now take you to censored pages and, likewise, uncensored leads to uncensored.
-I am FINALLY done setting up my site the way I wanted it: the sidebar, the censored site, the navigation bar, advertising, etc. Good thing too, because web-design is a HUGE pain in the ass and I loathed every second of so much that I NEVER want anything to do with it ever again. So...
-From now on I CAN FINALLY START FOCUSING ON CRANKING OUT CONTENT, which was why I created this site in the first place. I didn't expect the set up to be so long or obnoxious, but technically, Weebly made it possible (but very, very difficult and tedious) to make everything in my site exactly the way I wanted it, so kudos to them for that. Anyway, about the content. I'd like to do just a tiny bit of site promotion first, like selling an article to Cracked.com, telling people I know, etc. Afterwards, I'll try my hand at writing a new article every two weeks. I'll keep you posted, you keep me in your prayers or "good thoughts" or whatever it is you people do. Thanks!
-TREEGNOME CENSORED IS HERE!!! From now on, the navigation bar at the top of the page tells you if you are reading Censored or Uncensored Treegnome.weebly. Click to change "Uncensored" to "Censored" in the navigation bar, or vice versa, and you will return to the Censored or Uncensored homepage. And since that was too confusing to even explain properly, I've also included a censorship/uncensorship link at the top of each article to decrease confusion. Please let me know if it's still confusing, Future-Dweller.
-Because of all this, for reasons I'm too tired to explain, many of the text links in the body of my articles won't necessarily know whether you want to go to the Censored or Uncensored version of the links until I fix them later today— after sleep. The main links are working fine. Whatever that means. I'm tired. Sleepy time now.
-Just in time for Halloween, it's, "5 Reasons Why Zombies Would Fail at Causing Apocalypse!" Yay! But the real "Yay!" for me comes from being able to use my site-builder again. No more page elements playing Evil Musical Chairs and only a couple glitches left that aren't even a big enough deal to describe.
-Other thing I did: added image copyrights under each image, like I should have done in the first place.
-My next step: introduce "Treegnome [CENSORED!]", a magical place where you can read the same articles as Treegnome.weebly, but without the word "FUCK!" Not everyone likes it, you know.
-After that: I will finally tell people about this site so they can actually read it, since the only people reading this sentence right now live in a future where I have already done this! Thanks, future-dwellers!
-My first-world problems continue: "I got this site-building software for free, but it hasn't worked right in 4 days." It has it's better and worse moments, not unlike the bloody diarrhea of dysentery, and as such, I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY FIXED EVERY SINGLE PAGE affected by the dreaded Weebly Glitch Menace, still constantly accompanied by the pain and discomfort this cyber-affliction continues to cause. Not unlike the bloody diarrhea of dysentery. More pleasantly, I'm not suffering from actual dysentery, so that's a plus. But, alas, however much I'd like to say, "The site-editing is functioning at 100% again, let's crank out the articles!" I can't, 'cause it's not. Long update short, the bottom line is things are better, but not better enough to get full-swing back into the site. I expect some new content to happen soon, but I can't give an estimate as I have no idea how well the site-builder will be working and, therefore, how long it will take. It should be fine, though since I'm the only one reading it. Thanks for nothing, Internet!
-GOOD NEWS! I just added this cool sidebar to all of my articles with links to my other pages and some ads, AND THEN MY WEEBLY SITE-BUILDER FUCKED MY SITE STRAIGHT TO HELL!!! Basically, if I move an object to a different spot on my page, 3 other objects get really excited and and randomly bounce around to different spots, like an evil version of musical chairs, for no goddamn reason. It's possibly my fault, as it has been shown that either technology outright hates me or evil computer spirits require my blood to appease their ancient, robot-poltergeist wrath. Best of all, the editor decided to publish my fucked up site whenever it felt like it, whether I pushed the "Publish" button or not. So if you are unable to read my site because all the paragraphs are completely out of order, then let's cry, together. The actual, potential good news is that Weebly is aware of the issue and should have it resolved by yesterday at the latest. Wait... fuck. If this didn't suck and make me cry, it would almost make me feel better about the content halt I was already planning to announce so I could focus on advertising and site promotion for a week. Of course, now I can't do that either... Wow, they really screwed me! Oh well, these things do happen. God's timing is smarter than ours, right?
-My Twilight article, probably my proudest achievement, is here. This article was a HUGE BITCH to post, specifically the chatroom segment. Good thing I promised it on Friday instead of Monday.
-ANNOUNCEMENT! Coming soon (Let's say Friday 10-09-2015): 5 Reasons Why Zombies Would Fail At Causing Apocalypse. Not as funny as the Twilight article, but still...
-My NEW(ly published) OLD (2001) article is here! Microcosm for Sega CD! Though it is my most newly published article, currently, the most recently-written one is actually Dracula. But that doesn't matter. What matters is my NEW NEW article (written about 2 years ago, but still, better than 2001) about Twilight being awful will be here on Friday, 10-2-2015. OR SOONER! Actual new articles coming... someday!
-ANNOUNCEMENT! I have, scheduled for tomorrow, Friday, 9-25-2015, a NEW OLD Sega CD review I forgot to post with the rest of them! Microcosm! Look for it on 9-25-2015! OR SOONER!
-ANNOUNCEMENT! I have, scheduled for Friday 10-2-2015, a NEW NEW(ish) NON-Sega-CD-related article about the Twilight Films and the things they did terribly! Look for it on 10-2-2015! OR SOONER!
-I added this Site News page, right here! (It's in the navigation bar under About.)
-I added teaser captions for all my Sega CD reviews under their images on my Sega CD page!
-I added hit counters at the bottom of most pages! It's the score box from Sewer Shark!
-I (painstakingly) redid all of the hyperlinks throughout my whole site (and added a bunch of new ones) so they'll open links in new tabs and not interrupt whatever page you're reading, except for end-of-page buttons or image links which are intended to lead you to a new page in the same tab! I also underlined any links that lead to this site but didn't underline links that lead to outside sites. I just liked the way it looked!
-I made the mobile site prettier! The hit counters don't look quite right on the mobile site and I'm not smart enough to fix it. Let me know if you know how!
-Other than that, I added or altered text and a few images in ways so minor, I'm probably the only one who will notice! But as I'm pretty much the only one reading this site right now, that makes sense! Though I think I will add more images to some of my articles that I feel need more. That's it for now!
-The site is officially up and over construction! I hope to someday have a weekly update every... let's say Friday. Maybe every other Friday. That's kind of the point; I must become more familiar with the process and more accustomed to the routine of posting the awesome content I provide before I can give an accurate update schedule estimate. But I do have specific plans for the near future, including:
-A Site News page as a hub for updates, like this one!
-Articles I've already written (that have nothing to do with Sega CD) that I may or may not sell to Cracked.com!
-Articles that I've NEVER written that have EVERYTHING to do with Sega CD!
-Weekly Poll... also maybe.
-Treegnome's Hate Mail Greatest Hits (if I ever get any)!
Also, I would really love to know what you think of the torture I've endured for the sake of comedy, or me or the site in general. You know, publicly. Like right down there, in the comments section. Or on my Contact page. Oh! Or on the Facebook page I just made and then forgot about! It's right here.
It's time once again for Treegnome to urge misguided toymakers away from dooming humanity. You're welcome! Special Guest Star: Judge Judy!
It's the Sega CD Page! Hot damn!
Star Wars VII! It's finally here!! And it fucking sucks!!! Special Cameo: Keanu Reeves!
Treegnome's geniusly compiled list of 2015's hottest Christmas list toys to warn you which ones are stupid, terrifying or both, in case you have no discernment of your own, at all! Special Guest Star: the Terminator!
You love it. You hate it... I dunno, just read it. Alternate title: 10 Things You Probably Already Know Are Stupid, With Twilight! Special Guest Star: Catherine Hardwicke!