TOP 10 THINGS THE TWILIGHT FILMS DID TERRIBLY
One thing about the Twilight films I am quite amazed with is their collective soundtrack, since I am convinced that it is exactly what the film team was going for. Unfortunately, what they were going for was the hallucinatory sound you would actually hear if you drank the blood of an overdosed drug-addict. Throughout the entire Saga, it was as if a hippy’s drug-and-condom-filled trashcan came to life and kept sporadically farting directly into my ear for two minutes at a time. Granted, there were good songs very occasionally, or in the credits to make the film more money. And they did play Muse sometimes, but even that was ridiculous in the first film.
They played Muse during Vampire Baseball, and it was “Supermassive Black Hole”, which, if you aren’t familiar with Muse, is totally not their song about Vampire Baseball, but is probably their least appropriate song to play during Vampire Baseball. Actually, I take that back. Now that I think about it, there is not a single Muse song that would be appropriate to play during Vampire Baseball. What I should say is that in a film about a difficult relationship, Vampire Baseball is definitely the least appropriate scene in the entire film to play a song by a band that sings primarily about the difficulty of relationships. Now, to illustrate this madness one step further, let’s remember that the author, Stephanie Meyer, cites Muse as her inspiration for the series. So in a film based on a book based on adding vampires to Muse songs, the only scene where they bring Muse into the soundtrack amidst 12 or so other serenades of hippy vomit is the only scene that has nothing to do with anything Muse would ever sing about. It’s pretty much the Muse equivalent of playing a Justin Timberlake song in a porno during the only scene where they’re talking instead of having sex, or playing the Dora the Explorer “We Did It!” song in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones gets captured by Nazis, or playing Justin Beiber in Princess Diaries 4 or something during the only scene that has boys in it and isn’t about little girls trying to be the prettiest princess, or playing any song by Cher in Star Trek: First Contact during the only scene that isn’t that isn’t about ancient, terrifying, cyborg monsters, which, in any of these cases, means you are on at least some amount of illegal drugs. I guess the main point of all this is drugs are bad, kids, and so are hippies- stay away from both.
7. Robot baby.
I’m not even sure where to start on this one. I’ve always hated the blatant overuse of computer animation as a special effect when there are clearly better looking alternatives available. But as you know, that hatred is compounded 1000-fold when said alternative is not only better looking, but also easier and less expensive than CGI, like spending 98¢ on glitter. That being said, nothing takes this point further over the top than the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II Film Team’s decision to digitally animate a horrifyingly artificial-looking baby for no good reason. You may not know this, but babies aren’t the best actors. They are, in fact, not actors at all. They didn’t take classes or acquire and hone their acting skills over years of practice. And despite every parents wishes, there are no miraculous “actor babies” that are born with the ability to laugh, cry or poop on cue. No, in a real-life behind-the-scenes look at any baby-involved movie made by non-insane filmmakers, they hire specialized “Baby Trainers” to make silly faces off camera to make babies laugh on cue or use mild emotional trauma to make them cry. I don’t actually know how much professional Baby Trainers cost, but if your film team can’t afford one, I can tell you that it would only take about 100 bucks to bribe cheap parents for use of their baby and it would cost absolutely nothing to make faces at the child or take it’s toys away to inspire the only two emotions babies are capable of instead of spending thousands of dollars on whatever amount of digital wizardry is required to animate what looks like a possessed, human-sized, plastic baby doll with vampire teeth.
The saddest thing about major motion-picture producers knowing less about how to make movies then people with common sense is that if they had read the book (and I’ll note that one of the producers is author, Stephanie Meyer) they could have utilized one specific detail it gives to add reason to their already counter-logical decision to computer-animate a child in a live-action film. The fact is (and by fact I mean fiction- please don’t believe any of this shit is real, you crazies), baby Renesmee grows at an accelerated rate, much faster than any normal human due to being the first vampire-human hybrid that they know of. That said, there are two logical techniques that could have been used to film this detail. One would be to (easily, inexpensively) use a human baby for the early scenes and a human child for the later scenes. Though, to be honest, I get the feeling that the Breaking Dawn Part 2 film crew was so hell-bent on needlessly computer-generating a toddler that no force of nature or reason could have stopped it. So then, for the second option, all the crew would have had to do to fulfill and justify their psychotic need to digitally animate a baby, other than not making it look like a satanic, plastic abomination, is to show a decent-looking CGI baby at several stages of development, or at least the four basics: infant, toddler, young child, and child, since it would be too difficult (but actually not that difficult) to find four separate children that look enough alike to convincingly play the same character. This fact should be a dream come true for a rogue film crew with a desperate obsession to bring fake children to life on film. That way, they not only indulge their passion of wasting good money on pointless CGI, but they do it in such a way that it looks, to the rest of the world, like they had to film it that way, which is great because they would have found any excuse to do it anyway.
But sadly, due to common-sense-restraints, the TSBDP2 film team went a different route: a dumb one. It appears as if they somehow bred the two logical ways of filming Renesmee into one monstrous failure hybrid that is more powerful than both. Long rant short, the film only shows Renesmee in two stages, toddler and child, but the bastards still computer-animated the toddler for no damn reason. Why spend thousands of dollars animating something that’s available in real life for cheap? And if you’re going to anyway, why not take full advantage of it and show the child growing up, since it’s the only reason you would ever need to computer-animate a baby in a live-action film? The only reason, that is, unless you are trying to film something intentionally hilarious. For instance, in better films, such as Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, if the script calls for a baby fighting a full grown man, and all your attempts at combat-training a baby have ended tragically, than it makes perfect sense to use a terrible-looking CGI baby to do back-flips and tai-kwon-do and other gymnastics. But in a blockbuster action-drama in which a baby performs feats of only average baby agility, you would probably only need to badly animate one if you are purposely trying to frighten your audience out of ever having children.
CGI Fun Fact: In The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, the character, Gollum, actually looks more like a human baby than Renesmee in TSBDP2.