Top 10 Things The Twilight Films Did Terribly
(Editor’s note: Before I begin chronicling the failure of Twilight Saga romance, I want to make clear that out of a sense of moral responsibility, I am writing this section of the article specifically for the women of the Twilight Saga Film Saga fan base, so guys, you can skip ahead if you want to [but since you’re already reading an article about Twilight, it probably doesn’t matter]. -Treegnome) Remember when I said that the Edward in the book tries to scare Bella away by being romantic and mysterious? Well in the film, they decided to do the opposite and have Edward seduce Bella by being a scary, creepy asshole. This puzzled me at first, but then I assured myself, “It’s ok, Precious. People make terrible movies all the time, no biggie. Gollum! Gollum!” and that was the end of it. What later sent me into an article-writing rage was that when the world saw it, instead of regarding it as excrement, millions of teenagers instantly threw money at it like they throw their illegally topless bodies at Robert Pattinson. Not to be all public service-y, ladies, but if the Twilight movies are your romantic ideal then 3 things need to happen to you: 1. Stop watching Twilight movies. 2. Find a safe place far away and hide there while your violent boyfriend is at work, then file a restraining order before he finds you. 3. Find a good counselor. Yeah, it’s funny hahaha… Now, seriously, girls, get out of that shit.
Teens and young adults, if you are struggling to make sense of your love-life, Twilight films are not the answer. Aside from the fact that, unlike the Twilight films, the real world is not made out of crazy and you probably aren’t going to end up dating a vampire, these films are just not good role-models for romance and relationships. In fact, if you base your relationships on the Twilight films’ version of romance, you better be prepared for the let down of ending up with merely the real world’s equivalent of a vampire: just a regular serial killer. That’s what happens, though, when you take a depressed teenager’s favorite book and turn it into a movie where the most nondescriptly average teenager you’ve ever seen falls in love with a killer vampire because he’s stalking her and also secretes date-rape drugs from his pours. To illustrate my point, let’s take a look at what a dating guide would be like if we let the Twilight Film Saga define romance:
“Q: How do you know if ‘that guy’ in your class is crushing on you?
A: Honey, if you met him minutes ago and he obsessively drills you with questions about your life, then you know it’s on! Here’s a bonus trick you can try if you want to be sure he’s into you before you make your move: Next time he’s quizzing you, don’t answer immediately. If he stares at you intensely and states, with partially subdued anger, “SORRY, I’M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE YOU OUT,” then you know it’s meant to be! Your best option at this point is to respond with a question completely unrelated to his so he thinks you aren’t paying attention, like, “hey did you get contacts?” Men with obvious anger issues and no respect for personal boundaries love it when you answer their questions with questions and they think you aren’t listening to them. Plus it’s fun to get a rise out of him by igniting his fury towards women! If you’re still together down the line, you’ll probably often hear him ask you, “You LOVE making me angry, DON’T YOU?” and the truth is, you will!
Q: Help, I’m overcome with infatuation! Just hearing you talk about his debonair charm makes me swoon. But still, it sounds kinda scary. Are you sure about this?
A: Sounds like someone caught the “love-bug”, and I don’t mean Chlamydia! But don’t you worry, sweet-n-low, I’ve got the DL on how to tell if he’s for real, miss Jackson. If the boy really feels the same way, he’ll warn you to stay away from him… while stalking you! It sounds silly, but it’s true! If your crush harasses you by constant and invasive interrogation, stalks you, saves you from danger as angrily and regretfully as he can, stalks you some more, chases you down as you’re walking away to forcefully grab you and tell you that you shouldn’t be friends with him, hinting he’s very likely abusive and violent to others and probably drinks blood, then you two are on your way to true love! You should absolutely have dinner dates with him right away and let him drive you home! Biscuits and gravy!
Q: How do I know if I’m ready to have sex with my violent stalker/boyfriend?
A: Oh, sugar, you ain’t gots to worry about that! Most violent stalkers will ask you to wait until marriage, anyway. But if your guy’s a little shy, try throwing yourself at him until he begs you to marry him first!
Q: K, we’re married. But he still won’t touch me. Is he gay?
A: Apple-dumplin’ pumpkin pie, your man ain’t gay. It’s normal and natural for him to act this way. Truth is, most guys don’t even like sex and they’re scared to death of you. It will probably take a lot of talking, coaxing and begging that first honeymoon night, but keep at it! Eventually and reluctantly, your guy will let you in!
Q: Will I have to do that every time I want sex?
A: Yes! That’s it for this week, happy hunting, girls!”
4. the Casting of the First Film
The casting of the first Twilight film is not just a simple mistake in and of itself that the world has to live with. It is actually a monumental failure that has set the entire series up for even more failure in a way so great that it has caused about 50% of the total failure of the Twilight Film Saga. Some of the actors are pretty good (surprisingly, Robert Pattinson), some of them are not (Cam Gigandet), some of them got better (Anna Kendrick), and some kicked a very respectable amount of ass to stay cast in the sequel (Taylor Lautner). Fortunately for the cast, though, most of the roles in the first film didn’t require any emotion thanks to specialized directing techniques. However, the most important thing to note is how careful one needs to be when picking the actress for the main character in a film series based on a best selling romance novel series. Needless to say, they’d want someone who is able to express a lot of emotion, as the book describes Bella as a very sensitive and emotional character. Instead of that, though, the Twilight filmmakers hired Kristen Stewart who can play a stoned teenager, or in some instances, a stoned teenager. Edward might like his girls limp and emotionless, but the rest of us, or I’m sure at least 80% of all Twilight fans are NOT into necrophilia, and were not pleased with this decision. I don’t really have anything against Kristen Stewart, as long as she stays out of roles that require showing any emotion at all or as long as she’s not cast in movies that I’m watching. But casting Kristen Stewart as Bella suggests that there was no audition process for the first Twilight film at all, which begs the question, “Just how did they cast the first Twilight film?” Well fans, after exclusive permission by WRITER/PRODUCER STEPHANIE MEYER HERSELF, I have been granted a special, behind the scenes look at the casting process of the first Twilight film (Editor’s note: None of that is actually true at all. And none of the next part either. In fact, Treegnome.weebly is not responsible for whether or not that thing I just said about Stephanie Meyer, or anything I have said so far, or anything am saying right now or am about to say is true. If we had to guess, though, it’s probably not. This article is for entertainment only. Use only as directed. Not for masturbatory purposes. -Treegnome):
When I began this inquiry, one detail in particular puzzled me: in contrast to the traditional casting process most better films use, where a casting director auditions several actors to pick the most appropriate match for the written characters, the actors in this film were not hired for their acting skills or their looks. The principle casting for this film, in fact, seems to have happened more by chance or happy accident than by design, as if the film just spontaneously cast itself. ‘But then, that’s absurd,’ I thought, which led me to believe the more likely truth: that this film was not “cast” by a human being, but rather a walking Vodka bottle fumbling through a pile of headshots, resumes and vomit in a drunken haze… and the rest is a blur. When I asked Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke if this is what happened, she responded with a series of clicks and beeps, which I at first mistook for insult, until her maintenance technician (a man in an FDA-issued lab-coat) assured me that her circuits were undergoing routine repair, and he revealed to me that Ms. Hardwicke was not actually human, but a robot created by the FDA to test out new drugs and food products for them, to which Ms. Hardwicke responded, “BEEP BEEP. GRAAAAAaavvvvyyyyyyy.” Later, when that man was arrested, he revealed to the press that she wasn’t actually a robot, they only told her that so they could test new drugs and food products on her.
Regardless, as much failure as was caused by the casting of this film, any cast can only ever be as good as their director, which is why #3 on the list is: