5 Reasons Why Zombies Would Fail at Causing Apocalypse
3. Zombies Can’t Drive Tanks, We Can.
3. We Have a Military.
We have an effing military. Every country has a military. This argument alone kills any potential zombie apocalypse dead, immediately. We have over 1,000,000 men and women in the US military trained to fight smart, strategic, human enemies who can think and plan battles and lace-up their boots and conjure ways to avoid bullets to the face. We have thousands of zombie-proof military vehicles/death-machines at our disposal. What makes you think our military can’t contain a mindless, diseased mob, bleeding and falling and crapping all over themselves? Not only is our military effective against any and all cognizant enemies it has encountered so far, but, more relevantly, they are also trained in and efficient at containing riots. This will be extremely useful when they’re up against a much slower and more mindless mob than they are used to, one that also cannot lob grenades and Molotov Cocktails at them. Militaries also have training in biological warfare and many, like ours have knife-proof armor that zombies can’t bite through. And let’s not forget local law enforcement, also trained to contain riots. Hell, even animal control officers are specially trained in not letting things bite them, and I’m sure they could aim a real gun as well as a tranq gun if they had to, which they now would. But I digress. Anyway, if you think our military and other armed authorities can’t handle zombies, then congratulations, you’re a dumbass, and I apologize to our military on your behalf for your lack of confidence.
2. We Can Stop Letting Zombies Bite Us
Yes, the zombie virus is worse than deadly; it turns your friends and family members into walking corpses that try to eat you. But according to movies/popular zombie theory, the disease is only spread by biting and scratching, that is, letting them get close enough and deciding not to pull away when they try to bite you. To reiterate, in order for you to catch the zombie virus, you have to purposely decide against your natural instinct not to let a horrifying, walking corpse near you, and then purposely decide against your natural instinct not to let something bite a piece out of your arm. And, though there’s no good reason anyone would ever let either of those 2 things happen, there is a good reason why the disease must be spread by biting. You see, if so deadly a disease was airborne like the flu or spread by touching infected doorknobs and forgetting to wash your hands before you eat like the common cold, the movie, I mean, the world would be over in a very short period of time without any possible defense or counter-measure. And there’s no point in contemplating a doom we can’t do anything about. So our only logical option for zombie apocalypse-preparation/filmmaking is to give our zombie virus a handicap that causes it to spread much more slowly and difficultly. Thus, it is generally portrayed that the zombie virus can only be contracted by bites or scratches by the infected, which is exactly how real-life diseases, like rabies, do not turn into pandemics.
People may be stupid, but not when it comes to self-preservation. In fact, most of our stupidity and inhumanity stems from our self-preservation, which is probably what zombies (violently, mindlessly consuming everything to feed an insatiable hunger) are a metaphor of in the first place… Woah! Here’s what happens in real life when an extremely deadly, newly-discovered disease is spread only by biting:
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