5 Stupid/Terrifying Hottest Christmas Toys of 201511-23-2015
4. Hello Barbie Brainwashes Children, Owns the Future**This site is satire; these claims do not reflect proven reality. Take nothing I say seriously, and don't sue me.
Someday, we all have to grow up. So today, I must realize that the Robot Apocalypse isn’t just an 80s movie cliché, it’s happening now, and I have to stop living in 1997. In the movies, Skynet takes over our futurey, military tech. In real life, Skynet takes over our dolls, and, by extension our little girls. In the movies, it’s in the future. And by the future, I mean 1997. In real life, it’s the day that Mattel unveiled it’s new, sentient death-sentence to humanity, the Hello Barbie.
Hello Barbie can understand and meet your daughter’s conversational needs with smartphone technology I’ve never been able to understand and always blame on extraterrestrials. So it’s basically Siri, if Siri were the babysitter you trusted your daughters with for several unattended hours. Even more frightening, Mattel boasts that it uses Wifi (and, as a Christian, I must also assume witchcraft) to “push new data” to the Barbie (and your child) whenever it decides new data belongs in your child’s head. And the way Probably Robot Demo Lady brags about it being more human than actual humans, it’s a good bet this Barbomination knows when the parent is out of the room. As a parent, I understand unattending your daughters for a couple hours. Not that I’d leave the house or anything, but it’s fine if they play their LeapPads in their rooms while I watch Final Destination. Why? Because their LeapPads don’t consciously feed them up-to-date propaganda while I’m out of the room, whereas Mattel brags about this doll doing exactly that. What’s wrong with that, you say? WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT??? Fine. Nothing. Nothing is wrong with that, as long as you trust the president of Mattel (and eventually Skynet) with your little girl, alone, in her bedroom, you crazy effhead. RATING (OUT OF 10):
STUPID: 0 This is the best plot at taking over the future since Hitler tried the exact same strategy. Well done, future overlords.
TERRIFYING: ANY NUMBER HIGHER THAN 10 Umm… they want greedy toy tycoons/terminator prototypes to babysit my daughters. That’s literally more than one of my actual nightmares. AWESOME: 10 All else aside, it’s pretty damn impressive. HOW SCARED SHOULD I BE: 6ish
If the Terminator movies teach us anything, it’s, “There’s no fate but what we make for ourselves.” …except doomsday, which is inevitably, always going to happen. Concordantly, even if it wasn’t this toy taking over the future, it’s still going to happen, someday.
TERRIFYING TOY OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE:
Terminator T-101!
5. Play All Day Elmo Will Rule All humans Is it repetitive to include two Terminator prototypes consecutively? Yes. Is this your website? No. That said, this is probably, solely a personal bias of mine, but I find it disturbingly ominous that, every year since it’s first abominable reign as Supreme Christmas Toy, the Tickle-Me Elmo gets a new, more powerful upgrade, becoming one step closer to the annihilation of all mankind. Somehow, nobody but me notices the cuddly, robot monster’s campaign against the humans, despite the clearly-advertised, screaming, throttled human child on the box of last year’s model, Strangle Me Elmo:
©Playskool, Hasbro
Really, that’s the only reason it’s on this list. Outside of the context of my own personal phobia of the impending Robopocalypse (totally justified by blatant child-strangling), there’s nothing especially frightening about this year’s model being able to tell what your child is doing and calculate their worth based on performance.
RATING (OUT OF 10):STUPID: 2 Handing all of humanity over for annihilation at the hands of future murderbots is really more naïve than stupid. Other than that…
TERRIFYING: 3 …it’s a toy that plays “Red light, Green Light” with your child… I may have overreacted on the threat-level a little. AWESOME: 6 Seems fine I guess. Well, that is, until next year… HOW SCARED SHOULD I BE: 8
Though a step behind Barbie in terms of doomsday technology, Elmo will catch up. His apparent ability to keep adding new features every year without limit makes him a more versatile and mysterious adversary to mankind than Barbie. Plus, his larger size and cuddly appearance make him both more attractive to youngsters and also more deadly.
TERRIFYING TOY OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE:Subjugate Me Elmo!
WINNER:
Baby Alive Snackin’ Sarah
©Hasbro
Congratulations, Snackin' Sara! You are the Stupidest, Most Terrifying and Least Awesome Hottest Christmas Toy of 2015! Wow, I suddenly find myself quite unprepared… Well, I guess if I were to give out an award for eating poop, it would be more poop. So, here you go, Snackin’ Sara, eat poop:
The Pure Sh*t Award!©Reader's Digest
OVERALL:
Shame on you, 2015. Thanks to you, I can only expect the Hottest Christmas Toys of 2016 to be even worse. On the bright side, none of us will live to see Christmas 2016 after this year’s toys destroy us. Oh, wait…
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